When It Comes to Forgetfulness...Forget About It!

I angered my wife the other evening when I forgot some very basic tasks she asked me to do. Unfortunately for her, I was watching football at the time she made her request. It's not that I didn't have every intention of complying with her wishes, quite the contrary. I paid close attention to every word she said as she was getting ready to leave. However, I got caught up in the game and when she came home to find that I hadn't done what I was supposed to do, I felt a little like a quarterback who lines up under a guard instead of a center. I was embarrassed and a little shocked at my own forgetfulness. How could I be so stupid?

Well, it seems science has come to my rescue...sort of. A recent study at Stanford indicates that the less work the cerebral cortex has to do (the part of the brain that remembers stuff) the more it can focus on other tasks. Think of it like RAM in a computer. The fewer files and programs you have open, the more quickly and efficiently your PC works. It's the same with the brain.
By eliminating my wife's requests from my memory, my brain was actually becoming more efficient for what it considered the highest priority: football.

The problem is that even if you accept this premise, it doesn't necessarily mean your parole from the doghouse will be granted. In fact, one could argue the opposite case in support of my wife: a truly loving and considerate husband would've given her task requests highest priority and subjected football to the brain's censoring processes. And therein lies the age-old dilemma: wife vs football. If only science could figure that one out, I might not be sleeping on the couch....

Bailing Out The Captain and Tennille

As I was reading the gruesome details of the proposed $70 billion bailout for the Big 3 automakers, I started wondering how a company the size of GM, with all its resources and past history of innovation, could be performing so miserably. Then I started thinking about the comparison of GM to The Captain and Tennille.

Sound silly? Maybe. But there are some amazing similarities. Back in the 70's, GM dominated the car industry. They were churning out gas-guzzling muscle cars like the Chevy Camaro, the Pontiac Firebird, and the Chevy Corvette, without much thought about fuel conservation. Meanwhile, halfway around the world, the Japanese were planning the second invasion of The United States. Likewise, while The Captain and Tennille were pounding out drivel like "Muskrat Love", "Love Will Keep Us Together", and "Shop Around", angst-ridden teenagers (like myself) were listening to New Wave and Punk Rock music. It wasn't long before A&M records dropped acts like The Carpenters and The Captain and Tennille, in favor of The Sex Pistols. That's how evolution works: adapt to the new environment or resign yourself to the trash heap of history.

Would The Captain and Tennille have survived if they had shaved their heads, pierced their tongues, and smashed guitars on stage? I guess we'll never know (thank God), but we do know that their thankfully brief moment in the limelight faded as audience tastes changed.

What will happen if The U.S. government gives GM and the other Detroit dinosaurs a bailout? Do you think they will magically become innovative? Hey, they didn't learn their lessons from 30 years ago, so why would we expect a different result this time? Bankruptcy might be painful, but it would force the Gang of 3 into retooling for the future. If the government is stupid enough to give them the money, then it should consider giving The Captain and Tenille $10 or $20 million for a career bailout.

Spitting...It's a Guy Thing!

I was watching a baseball playoff game on TV the other night when I noticed how often the pitcher spat- over and over again, as if his brain wouldn't function until a certain number of loogies had been launched. Although disgusting, it got me thinking about how often guys spit, especially in sports. Guys spit on the hockey rink which makes for an iced loogie. They also spit on the football field, and as noted already, on the baseball diamond.

I've noticed a lot of players spitting on their hands, most notably Big Papi- David Ortiz of the Boston Red Sox. Does that make him hit the ball harder or farther? Who knows, but I sure wouldn't want to do is borrow his batting gloves...Ugh!

Beyond sports, guys spit anywhere and everywhere. You often see guys spitting tobacco juice into a cup which is probably the most disgusting act known. Women seem to find this behavior particularly gross, so memo to all you guys out there: If you are looking for female companionship, ditch the Skoal- try a Tic-Tac instead.

One of the most unusual aspects of spitting will only be found in the men's bathroom. Through careful, though not scientific, observation of male bathroom habits, I've concluded that roughly 50% of all men using a stand-up urinal, spit into it while urinating. Guys know what I'm talking about. Girls, if you don't believe me, ask your man. I can't explain it and it's not like I'm standing in public restrooms documenting this stuff (I have no wish to get by teeth shoved in.) I'm just stating an obvious fact. Maybe spitting during urination is like lining up a ten-foot putt in golf.

The other fact about spitting is that you rarely, if ever, do you see a woman do it in public. Every once in a while, you'll see a woman do it in a movie, like she's really edgy or tough. In real life it just doesn't happen which is a good thing. I don't want to see my wife hocking up a loogie in the WalMart parking lot.

Where am I going with all this? Nowhere, really, but don't give me any grief about it or I'll spit in your eye!

Saving for the Future

My 13-year-old son and I had a conversation in the backyard this morning that went something like this:

"Hey, Dad. What are you doing?"
"I'm digging a hole in the backyard," I replied as I stood knee-deep in the hole I had just dug.
"What's the hole for?" asked the puzzled young man (kids are so curious about such things.)
"Well, Son," I began as I mopped the sweat from my brow, "it's part of my new investment strategy."
"How does it work, Dad?"
"Well, you see this hole?"
"Uh, yeah...."
"I put all of our savings into that big, metal box over there and I'm going to bury it in this hole so that your Mom and I have something to live on in our retirement."
"I don't get it, Dad. You're always telling me that investing in stocks is the best way to save for the future."

Kids are great at pointing out all of your failures, weaknesses, and idiosyncrasies. I thanked him for his valuable input then finished digging as he stood by and watched.
I emerged from the large hole in the back yard, picked up the large metal box that was now home to our life's savings and deposited it in the hole, then began to fill in the hole with the remaining dirt.
After 15 minutes of toil, I finished and stood back to admire my work.

"You see, Son, with all of the chaos in the stock market now, I figure a diversified approach to investing is a wise strategy."
"Dad, how is burying your money diversified? Besides, what about the magic of compound interest you keep talking about?"

Ouch. He had me there. Fortunately, I'm pretty quick on my feet. You have to be when raising kids.
"Son, those are great questions, but I can't answer them right now." Hey, I figured that answer works for politicians, why not for me?

"Dad, I have one more question."
"What is it?" I responded with a twinge of exasperation showing in my voice.
"You said we were only renting this house, right?
"Yes, what does that have to do with anything?" I replied.
"Well, if we move next month won't we have to dig up this money?"

I hate it when kids are right.

"Your right, Son!" I said as I handed him the shovel, "Start digging!"
Parenthood does have its privileges

Marlins Draw 600 Fans

Okay, I'm not a baseball fan to the extent that I check out every box score daily, but I couldn't help but notice that yesterday's game between the Florida Marlins and the Atlanta Braves only drew 600 fans. That's right- 600, not 6,000!

Granted, it was a day game played by two teams who are not going to make the playoffs, plus it was 90 degrees out, but are you kidding me? 600 fans? That's pathetic. I think I had more people at my wedding....well, close.

I guess Dolphin Stadium where the Marlins play was so empty that the few fans that were there could hear all the on-field chatter between the players. I can imagine the conversation on first base between Atlanta's Kelly Johnson, who singled in the 8th, and Marlin's first baseman Wes Helms.

Helms: Nice hit, man.
Johnson: Thanks. Uh, you guys got a pretty big crowd today.

Helms: It's 'cuz we're playing you.
Johnson: Yeah right. You guys never draw a crowd no matter who it is.

Helms: Not true. We average almost 15,ooo fans a game.
Johnson: Dude, I've seen minor league teams that average that many fans. In fact, I've been to birthday parties with more people than this.

Helms: Speaking of birthday parties, did you know Luis Gonzales' birthday is today? He's 41.
Johnson: Do you think all these people came out for his birthday party instead of the game? Where's the cake?

Helms: Bite me!

Hard to believe that a team that's won a World Series can only draw 600 fans. Maybe everyone was evacuating in advance of Hurricane Ike. Or maybe Florida needs a new stadium. Yeah, a nice, new, taxpayer-funded stadium, then the fans will roll in. Build it and they will come.

The Litmus Test for Choosing a President

The litmus test for choosing a president can be summed up in one word- character. No presidential candidate can possibly be qualified for every aspect of the job. It's just too big and too complex. There are more variables than there is room on a candidate's resume for bullet pointed accomplishments.

I'm not really interested in whether a candidate has good business savvy. Jeff Skilling and Ken Lay were both accomplished businessmen, but their character flaws are what did them in and brought down the Enron empire. Harry Truman was a horrible business man, but history remembers him as being a pretty darn good president although he wasn't thought to be at the time.

What about foreign policy experience? Yes, it would be nice for the next president to be able to pick Bosnia Herzegovina or Bangladesh out on a map. It would be really nice too if he could correctly pronounce the names of the countries. But the presidency isn't a geography class and we shouldn't pick the next president based on foreign policy experience alone. This is one aspect of the job where on-the-job training is pretty common in our history. Look, John Kennedy had no real foreign policy experience when he became president, but he looked down the barrel of the Soviet gun and never blinked despite facing the threat of nuclear war. Ronald Reagan had no foreign policy experience either and I guess you know the rest of that Russian story- sorry, Mikhail. That kind of unflinching nerve is a test of character.

When you go to the polls in November, think about who has the best leadership qualities, who has the best judgment, and whom you would trust under the worst case scenario. We're not conducting a popularity contest or looking for a guy that looks the best on stage. If that were the case, I'd recommend voting for George Clooney. If you look at character as the defining criteria for choosing the next president, then pulling the lever in the polling booth, is pretty easy.

Reflections on Beijing

Well, The Olympics are finally over and we can all get on with our lives. After 2 weeks of the ABC network broadcast - the All Bob Costas network, that is, I'm ready to devote my TV time to something else. I think a new season of the Biggest Loser starts soon! That should help sharpen my intellectual-ness or something.

I just want to jot down a few Olympian thoughts while they're still relatively fresh in my mind. Here in no particular order, are my Top Ten:

1. The Commies put on a good show- a great show, really. It's amazing how Chinese artistry and industry can be enter twined. Too bad it comes at the end of a bayonet. Pity the poor Londoners in 2012. How do they follow Beijing?
2. Michael Phelps gets the best of both worlds- 8 Gold Medals, a ton of product endorsements, and relative obscurity. Sure, he's got the most gold medals of anyone in Olympic history, but he'll still be able to live a fairly normal life. Let's face it, nobody really cares about swimming outside The Olympics (unless you're drowning- then it becomes important.)
3. Usain Bolt is fast- really, really fast. Let's hope we don't find out in two weeks that he's been blood doping. If that happens, let me go on record to say I'll never watch The Olympics again.
4. Speaking of Bolt- what do the American sprinters do now? After getting thrashed by Bolt in the 100 and 200, the Americans looked dazed and confused. Don't be surprised if you see U.S. sprinters Walter Dix and Tyrone Gay driving UPS trucks by next week.
5. Were the female Chinese gymnasts wearing Garanimals matching outfits? I swear one of them had on a Ling-Ling panda top-and-bottom set. With footsies. They should've had Barnie present them with their gold medals.
6. Did I mention I'm tired of Bob Costas? Let's hope he only comes around every four years too.
7. Badminton is not a sport. I don't care how you spin it. What's next? Tetherball? Jacks?
8. Same thing with Ping Pong, er, table tennis. Changing the name doesn't make it a sport either.
9. Did you see the Tae Kwon Do referee get kicked in the fact after disqualifying a contestant? No kidding. A Cuban athlete who got DQ'd, was so upset with the ref's decison, he kicked the guy right in the face in front of a billion or so people. Not a good career move. I wonder if Fidel will have him executed. On second thought, he'll probably be living in Miami by next week.
10. There is life beyond archery, BMX bike racing, and beach volleyball. Let's get on with it.