What's the Scariest Day of the Year? Hint: It's NOT Halloween...

Although October 31st conjures up images of ghouls, ghosts, and things that go bump in the night, it's actually not the scariest day of the year.  Neither is April 15th, unless you're one of those fat-cats making more than $40 thousand a year. 

I submit to you the scariest day of the year (at least for guys) is Valentine's Day.  While you're liable to be stalked by a vampire, werewolf, or an IRS agent on either of the two days previously mentioned, it's February 14th that really strikes fear into the souls of men, or at least, this man.

Think about it.  There are only four classifications of presents you can get for your wife or girlfriend (we won't tackle the delicate subject of having both, that's a frightful situation unto itself).  Under almost every scenario, the giving of any of these classified gifts will produce either a ho-hum response (at best) or a realization you've scewed up royally (at worst).  Neither of these outcomes is winnable.  It's kind of like the Kobayashi Maru test given to Star Trek officer candidates- there's no tenable position (and yes, I realize that knowing what Kobayashi Maru is classifies me as a loser, but thanks in advance for not pointing it out).

For those of you who don't know intrinsically what the Valentine gift classifications are, I'll give them to you, not that it will help, but at least you'll be able to conduct your own post mortem on February 15th.  They are as follows:

1. Perishable Goods- this includes chocolate, candy, or flowers- basically anything that will rot or attract ants.  These are horrible gifts because women only want chocolate or candy when THEY want it, not when you give it to them (kinda like how they choose their mates).  Somehow, I think given chocolates have more calories than if they are consciously chosen.  Flowers?  Forget about it.  Anything you can buy her at 7-11 is not a viable choice.
2. Cuddly Stuff-  This includes sexy lingerie, pajamas, cutesy stuffed bears wearing masks, etc.  In case any of you guys out there can't figure out why lingerie and pajamas are NOT a good idea, I'm not even going to bother spelling it out for you.  Suffice it to say, it's not YOUR birthday!  Stuffed animals are a bad idea too.  If you get a woman one of these you're relegating yourself to the "can we just be friends?" category.
3. Lavish Gifts-  This includes any kind of jewelry not purchased at the Dollar Store.  It also includes cars, boats, plastic surgery (no matter how badly it's needed).  This category is particularly dangerous.  While it may produce a temporary euphoric effect in you and her, it's short lived.  Then when your Visa bill shows up the next month you're kicking yourself all the way to Burger King where you're headed to see if you can pick up a part-time job to pay for your foolishness.  As if that's not enough, suppose you do decide to go down the lavish gift path- what do you do next Valentine's Day?  And the one after that?  The last time I checked, you can only sell one kidney.
4. The Bizarre- If you think you're clever enough to pull this off, the only thing I have to say to you is "Good Luck".  This category includes stuff like making monogrammed belt buckles for her, or writing  poetry after drinking a bottle of Kettle One or recording karaoke love songs for her at the mall.

Oh, I forgot one last category.  It's called the "Do Nothing" category.  This is the worst and scariest choice of all.  Trust me fellas, if you have even half a brain, do not choose the "Do Nothing" category.  Any of the four categories mentioned above, not matter how stupid or expensive, are preferable to this, unless you like sleeping on the couch or want to live the life of a Tibetan monk for the next thirty or so years.

As for me, I have no idea what I'm going to do yet.  I just know that I'm afraid...very afraid.