News Flash...Tiger is Human!

Now that we've all dissected every conceivable piece of evidence regarding Tiger Woods' low-speed crash that left him with a few cuts and even more scrutiny, if that's possible, than ever before, let's state the obvious: Tiger Woods is Human. There...I said it.

Oh sure, he has this squeaky clean GQ persona that he's gone to great lengths to manicure, but anybody who has ever seen him in a golf tournament knows that he has a fiery temper. On the one side we've seen the polished images of him driving a Buick (really? Do you think Mick Jagger drinks Colt 45?) on the other hand we've seen him fling golf clubs in disgust and let loose with a few F*bombs on national T.V. So the guy's not perfect. What a revelation!

So which is he, saint or sinner? The answer, like most of us, is both. Whatever caused this last Tiger episode, it's probably domestically related. I doubt he was getting in his car at 2:30 in the morning to run over to AM/PM for a roller grill hot dog. But you know what? What the heck business is it of ours? He didn't hurt anyone other than himself. He apparently was driving slowly enough that his airbags didn't even deploy. So what's the big deal?Anybody who has been married can attest to the fact that it ain't roses all the time (unless you're Ozzy and Harriet). In fact, sometimes married couples go through months or even years where there's nothing but thorns. But that's his business, not ours, despite what the media claims.

Just because someone is a public figure shouldn't give the media a license to print, say or televise whatever they want. Go ask the National Enquirer on that one. Everyone deserves a little privacy- even Tiger. It's really pathetic we now ascribe legitimacy to media sources like TMZ that report ad nauseum on stories like Tiger's in the name of journalism. Where is the greater good of society served in that commission?

I hope this story dies a quiet death and that Tiger manages his personal life with the same level of excellence he's displayed on the golf course.

Are They Really Looking for Me?....Really??

I can't figure it out. I don't have a million dollars- not even close. I can't sing, act, or dunk a basketball. Why then, are beautiful sexy women searching for me? It seems like every website I visit on the Internet, there's a picture of a gorgeous woman, usually in her mid-twenties wearing a tight fitting top, with a Marilyn Monroe-like, come-hither look on her face. The caption above the picture teases with phrases like, "Who's Looking for You?", or "One Person is Searching for You?"

Really?

Granted, my wife thinks I'm "cute" but then again she likes cats so it's hard to put a whole lot of faith in her judgement. I guess I can't figure out why if the advertisers can find me wherever I net surf, these beautiful girls can't? And what the heck do they want with me anyway? Like I said, I don't have the kind of money that would qualify me as a "Sugar Daddy." In fact, I'm not sure I would even qualify as a "Molasses Daddy" or "Stevia Daddy" if there are descending rungs of desirability with gold diggers.

And surely these young frauleins aren't after me for my looks for crying out loud. I'm not saying I'm over the hill, but if I were a piece of fruit, I'd be the slightly brown banana sitting on the kitchen counter behind the toaster. Yummy awhile ago, but now, not so much.

Maybe these girls are visually impaired? Yeah! That makes sense! I bet when they surf the net, they are besieged with ads from opthamologists looking for them. You think?

The Omnipresent Cell Phone

Hey Y'all-


I'm sure you are all aware of the ubiquitous nature of the cell phone. You can't go anywhere these days without seeing someone with one in their hand or glued to their ear. Here are a few of my observations on the social impact of them...

• People say things in text messages that they would never say in person.
• Because there are no facial expressions used in cell phone communications, nuances in the dynamics between bodily and verbal communications can be confused. Sincere and heartfelt comments can often be confused with sarcasm by the receiver of the message which can be damaging to relationships. Note to Guys- We have enough problems communicating with women, please fore go the cell phone and communicate face-to-face if you really want her to understand!
• People text and communicate via cell phones in the most inappropriate places. Have you ever received a call from someone who is obviously sitting on the can? I have. Can we please agree as a society that there is nothing so important that can't wait five minutes for someone to relieve themselves?
• Ever responded to someone in public who you think is talking directly to you, only to find out that they are using a cell phone instead? It's a little embarrassing, but also really confusing to customers in a retail environment. The rule of thumb should be: there is no one so important as the customer standing in front of you.
• That leads to the subject of employees you encounter who are making personal cell phone calls while you stand idly by, waiting for them to finish their conversation. Those folks need to realize they are jeopardising their company's reputation by not making customers the number one priority.
• Can we all agree that driving a motor vehicle is challenging enough to not add texting and cell phone dialing into the equation? I was driving down the road the other day and saw a guy who appeared to be texting and eating lunch in the middle of rush-hour traffic! No wonder insurance rates continue to climb....!

I know a former high school mate who runs a funeral home- I wonder if he has a few stories to share on the subject.....??

40 Years After....

Forty years ago today Man stepped onto the surface of the moon. To anyone under the age of 40, this might seem like no big deal. You've seen images of the Apollo missions your whole lives as if it were common place. For us oldsters -50 and above, we remember with awe and wonderment how the Apollo program evolved and culminated with Neil Armstrong's historic step onto the moon's Sea of Tranquility.

As a 10-year-old, the Apollo 11 mission meant something special to me. First, it meant that I could stay up past my normal bedtime of 9:00 PM. I don't remember the exact time of the moon landing, but I know if was very late, maybe 1 or 2 AM Central. Second, it was one of the first experiences I recall when I was included with the adults. Everyone watched TV coverage of the lunar landings, old and young alike. People everywhere huddled around TVs listening to Mission Control, The Eagle and Walter Cronkite describe the unfolding drama.

Everyone knew the magnitude of this accomplishment. As Americans, we all had a special pride in our astronauts and our country. For awhile, anyway, we put aside Vietnam, we put aside the race riots, and the Kennedy and King murders. We lived in the fleeting moment of lunar ecstasy. Apollo 11 represented the best of us. The best of what our country could be, the best of what we could dream, and the fulfillment of JFK's promise. It was our Manhattan Project, but with a nobler, gentler ending.

Now, forty years later, I wistfully recall the Summer of '69. By no means were we the "Great Society" as LBJ had envisioned, but at least we rallied around the space program. Most Americans agreed on the greatness of the accomplishment and celebrated it. Now we seem to be divided into Democratic and Republican strongholds with nothing to bring us together. We have no common purpose.

What's say we revive some of the old Apollo spirit and dedicate ourselves to conquering Mars by the year 2030? Maybe somewhere in this endeavor, we can find our commonality and brother hood again and join together as Americans. If we're going to spend trillions of dollars anyway, my vote is to spend it on something grand that will lift us all to a higher plane rather that divvy it up to every sycophantic elected official who needs to grease a palm. Mars 2030- Mr. Obama is that change we can believe in?

It's Time to Listen to Your Limbic System!

President O'Bama and his Democratic supporters, Pelosi, Reid, Emanuel, Axelrod, to name but a few, stand poised over the us, the American citizenry, like warriors wielding sharpened swords. If they succeed in passing HR 2454 -the so-called Clean Energy Bill, and the proposed government health care plan, the swords they carry will no longer be used to scare us with sabre-rattling. Instead, those swords will be plunged into the hearts of all us who want to preserve our American tradition of liberty and free market capitalism.

If you're at all fearful of O'Bama's sweeping changes, then it's time to listen to your limbic system. You remember what that is, right? It's the ancient part of the human brain that lies at the base of the skull. It controls our "fight or flight" response in times of danger. Well folks, I can't think of a time since The Bay of Pigs, that our country has been exposed to more peril. And never in our history, has the peril come from within, but here we are anyway, staring at sharpened steel poised to destroy us. It's fight or flight time!

We can either stand and fight against the tyranny of excess government spending, taxation, bureaucracy and control or we can take flight into the fantasy world of Al Gore where everyone rides to work on a Segway and drinks herbal tea from a cup they made themselves from clay. Or if you prefer, we can take flight into the fantasy world of government-run healthcare, where U.S. citizens, along with 20 million or so "undocumented workers" from our good neighbors to the South, get so-called "free" health-care dispensed from loving bureaucrats in Washington. If you like this idea, ask anyone in Canada or the United Kingdom how that's working out for them. Ask the unfortunate people who need to see a specialist or have complicated health issues about the responsiveness of the state run healthcare system. That should get your reptilian brain really going!

The bottom line is, if you choose to fight like me, then pick up the phone and call your Congressional Representative. Make your voice heard! Tell them to oppose these ridiculous, dangerous, and potentially irrevocable legislative proposals or we will vote them out of office and find someone who will fight for our rights as taxpayers and citizens.

Here are a few resources you can use:
U.S. House of Representatives - Phone (202) 224-3121 or on the Web: http://www.house.gov/, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi- http://speaker.house.gov/

U.S. Senate - http://www.senate.gov/

Act Now! Stand and fight, if not for yourself, then for your children and their children. Remember the words our country was founded on: Live Free or Die, Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death!

Obama's Big Choice

Pretty soon Pres. Obama will be tasked with filling a Supreme Court position for retiring judge David Souter. Since Supreme Court judges don't have term limits, Obama's choice could have an impact on our country for many years to come.

Outgoing judge Souter is viewed by most as left leaning, so the chances are that whoever Obama chooses, the balance of the Court will remain roughly the same. That's if conventional wisdom holds. Some leading Democrats are calling on His Loftiness to choose someone outside the legal profession to fill the spot. Turncoat and political opportunist,... er patriot, Sen. Arlen Specter said, "It would be good to get people who know something besides wearing a black robe."

Okay, Arlen. How about someone wearing a bath robe? I guess that would be kind of fun- especially if the judge wore curlers and fuzzy pink slippers too. Senator Specter also suggested that women, Hispanics, and African-Americans need better representation on the court.

Translated: A judge who will help build and support the foundation of the Democratic party.
Here's the profile of the ideal judicial candidate: Unemployed, single, gay, black woman with six kids who used to be a Hispanic man named Pepe, before undergoing transgender surgery, and who is now living next to OctoMom in a SoCal trailer park. She drives a hybrid car festooned with PETA stickers, listens to Air America, and has a tattoo of Al Franken on her butt. In her previous life as a man named Pepe, she crossed the border at Tijuana (illegally of course) over 500 times. All of her six kids were born in the U.S. and are legal citizens with full rights and privileges courtesy of the American taxpayer/legal residents.

Now that's change we can believe in!

Everything's Bigger in Texas...

From early childhood on, we've all been told that "Everything's Bigger in Texas." To me that evokes images of men wearing 10-gallon hats and large belt buckles, wide-open spaces, and ranches the size of most European countries. Now comes a report that nine people living in the Austin, Texas area rang up nearly $3 million in emergency room costs from 2003-2008. What's big about that you may ask? Well, nine patients walked into county ERs a total of 2,678 times over that time period! Wow! That's BIG- even for Texas.

For you statisticians out there, that's about 50 trips to the ER per year, per person for each of the 6 years reported. Or if you prefer to think of it in these terms, about 1 visit to the ER per week. That's a record even Amy Winehouse or Lindsay Lohan would have a tough time beating.

Of the nine people, 8 were diagnosed as drug addicts and not alarmingly, 7 were also diagnosed as mentally ill,- 3 were homeless. Most of the complaints from these "patients" involved chest pains which is often the result of anxiety, according to local health care experts.

You have to wonder what level of care the truly critically sick or injured people in these ERs received, especially when you consider these 9 people are just the tip of the iceberg. Sadly, there are many people in the ER who are wasting precious few resources for non-emergency procedures. When I was at the ER last week (a ten-hour ordeal from hell) with my son who was diagnosed with possible appendicitis, I overheard one nurse comment to a mother who had brought in a child with a cough, "Oh, I remember you- you were in here yesterday, too."

I wish I knew the answer to resolve this huge strain being placed on the health care industry and on taxpayers. And with universal health-care looming on the horizon, it doesn't look to get better any time soon. Remember, The Alamo!

Standing on the Edge of Madness

Tomorrow begins the best season in all of sports- bar none. I'm talking of course about March Madness, the 64 team, single elimination tournament that determines the NCAA Men's basketball champion.

It's estimated that $3 billion is wagered annually in office pools around the country on this sacred two week event. I used to think $3 billion was a colossal sum of money until this whole "bailout" phenomenon took place. Now, between George W., and His Most High Eminence, Barrack Obama, $3 billion is relegated to mere chump change. If I win the $100, ooo prize in my on-line bracket pool, I promise to help pay down the national debt....Not!!


Despite our economic troubles, I'm not letting the moronic policies of our government screw up my good time. I'm going to enjoy every minute and revel in the glory of teams like Sienna, North Dakota State, and Binghamton. Never mind they have about as much chance of winning it all as I do winning American Idol, it's still fun- especially the 2nd round where highly seeded teams routinely lose to powerhouses with names who sound like distant cousins, i.e. S.F. Austin, Robert Morris, etc.

Wouldn't it be great if we could muster as much enthusiasm and passion for the governance of our country as we do picking the Final Four? And wouldn't it be nice if we could agree to play by the same set of rules??

Anyway, for what it's worth, I'm picking Memphis to beat Oklahoma in the Finals. Sorry, Mr. President, and sorry Zane. Hey, at least I didn't pick Duke to win it all!!

I'm Defined by My Socks

Leave it to a teenager to remind you of how really uncool you are. My son recently observed me putting on my socks prior to going to the gym and commented that no one wears socks that go half way up the shin anymore. He told me that everyone (meaning anyone around the age of 13-15) wears shoe top socks- you know, the ones that nobody can see when you have them on.

I shunned his advice and went on my way to the gym. There, I discovered that my son was correct, most people no longer wear longer socks. I was totally oblivious to the shift in cool. Needless to say, I began feeling self-conscious and was sure everyone was laughing at me behind my back (more than usual, that is).

After leaving the gym, I rushed over to that Mecca of higher fashion- Walmart, and picked up 6 pair of the low cut socks. Now that I've been wearing them for a few weeks, I've noticed a new spring in my step, I walk with my head held high, and I have a renewed sense of self worth.

Of course, now that I, a 50 year old man, am wearing these "fashionable" socks, I'm sure they will become distinctly uncool in pretty short order. Cool is not defined by old guys with varicose veins, gray hair, and beer guts! For that reason, I'm hanging onto my old socks should they become stylish again. Then I'll have my brief moment of unity with high fashion.

Irony Defined by Pot Smuggling Jenny Craig Truck

Every once in awhile, you see a news article that stands head and shoulders above the rest. In a twist of irony, a Jenny Craig delivery truck driver was busted near Phoenix for carrying 1,400 pounds of marijuana along with its cargo of frozen diet foods. Last time I checked, marijuana and dieting were two concepts not typically associated with each other.

Can you imagine the Jenny Craig commerials that might inspire?

Bill Clinton: "I gained 50 lbs. on the Jenny Craig program, but I didn't inhale!"

Bill Parcells: "I love the new Jenny Craig Brownies. You can't eat just one!"

Chris Bermann: "There's nothing like macking on a pile of Jenny Craig while listening to Dark Side of the Moon on my I-Pod."

Queen Latifah: "I may be a size 24, but I feel good....reeeeeal....good!"

Valerie Bertinelli: "Eddie turned me on to Jenny Craig!"

Phylicia Rashad: " Now that I'm on Jenny Craig, I qualify for California tax credits for medical marijuana usage!"

Keith Richards: "Thanks to the Jenny Craig program, I've actually gained 30 lbs- I'm now up to 60! Thanks Jenny!

Add your Jenny Craig story here:

;-)

Cardinals Lose, Earth Avoids Destruction

Now that the Arizona Cardinals have lost Super Bowl 43, we can all breathe a sigh of relief. Had they won the game, it's certain that the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse would've been saddling up for a ride. Now, they're just sitting in a bar in Texas, drinking a cold Shiner Bock (best beer in the world if you've never tried it.)

Just a few other rambling Super Bowl thoughts I have I'd like to share with you:

• Larry Fitzgerald should be fitted for a cape. The man is just flat out awesome.
• Now that the Steelers have sole possession of most Super Bowl wins ever (6), the Dallas Crybabies, er, Cowboys are in 2nd place. Too bad, Jerry. Doesn't look like you'll be back any time soon.
• Superbowl ads were pretty weak. The Doritos ad with the snow globe/ crystal ball was funny, but most of the others were forgettable. Hey advertisers! It's your Super Bowl too! It's your chance to step up and reach out to half the planet. If you're going to shell out all that money for a 30 second spot, then man up! Especially you, Budweiser, er, or is that Stella?
• Stop with the Gatorade baths already. It was funny 25 years ago, but now it's really tired- like M.A.S.H. reruns...stop already!!
• When did Bruce Springsteen start using Grecian formula for men!
• Will Bill Bidwell start a fashion trend with the re-emergence of the bow tie?
• Can't wait for the Special Edition of Sports Illustrated featuring the Pittsburgh Steelers. You know the one, where you can buy the hardbound book replete with photos and scintillating interviews. I think they throw in a Ronco knife sharpener, a Popeil pocket fisherman, and some Mighty Putty with that...all for $19.99!
• Prediction for next year's Super Bowl: Cincinnati Bengals 22, Detroit Lions 21. Hey, after this year, anything's possible! I think the Four Horseman might saddle up for that one too!!

The Seventh Sign the Apocalypse is Upon Us

Plagues, famine, war, pestilence, revolution and earthquakes represent signposts on our way to the End of Days. And now I submit to you the Seventh Sign that the Apocalypse is upon us: The Arizona Cardinals will be competing in the NFC Championship game and are one win away from the Super Bowl!

Not only has the current edition of the Arizona Cardinals been derided as "the worst team to ever make the NFL playoffs," nobody gave them a snowball's chance in Hades to beat Atlanta and Carolina, yet here they stand on the precipice of History. If the Cards can capitalize on this 3-week window of opportunity to pour the salve of Championship ointment over the old wounds of perpetual losing and ineptitude, they will establish a new era of achievement, the old days will be relegated to the past, and the Chicago Cubs can take sole possession of "The Biggest Losers" nickname in sports. Sorry, Cubs fans!

Hey, if the Arizona Cardinals can get this far, anything's possible! With that in mind, I'm looking for additional signs of the Apocalypse:

• My 401(k) rebounds and makes it possible for me to retire before my nineties
• My kids pick up their dirty clothes without any pleading, hounding, cajoling, or threatening from me or their mother
• Viagra and Cialis commercials are banned from the airwaves
• Al Franken runs for President in 2012- and wins (just like he did in Minnesota)!
• Gov. Blugojevich shares a batchelor pad with Charlie Sheen and stars in his own reality show.
• Frank Caliendo (celebrity impersonator) and Katy Couric (journalist impersonator) have a torrid affair spawning a child that resembles John Madden.
• Gas drops below $1.00 a gallon.

OK, these signs might appear a bit far-fetched, but so was the idea of the Cardinals going to the Super Bowl. The odds were 200-1 against them at the beginning of the year. The only way they were going to a championship game of any kind was if they paid a scalper for tickets. Now look at them! "Under a Blood-Red Sky....."