I'm Defined by My Socks

Leave it to a teenager to remind you of how really uncool you are. My son recently observed me putting on my socks prior to going to the gym and commented that no one wears socks that go half way up the shin anymore. He told me that everyone (meaning anyone around the age of 13-15) wears shoe top socks- you know, the ones that nobody can see when you have them on.

I shunned his advice and went on my way to the gym. There, I discovered that my son was correct, most people no longer wear longer socks. I was totally oblivious to the shift in cool. Needless to say, I began feeling self-conscious and was sure everyone was laughing at me behind my back (more than usual, that is).

After leaving the gym, I rushed over to that Mecca of higher fashion- Walmart, and picked up 6 pair of the low cut socks. Now that I've been wearing them for a few weeks, I've noticed a new spring in my step, I walk with my head held high, and I have a renewed sense of self worth.

Of course, now that I, a 50 year old man, am wearing these "fashionable" socks, I'm sure they will become distinctly uncool in pretty short order. Cool is not defined by old guys with varicose veins, gray hair, and beer guts! For that reason, I'm hanging onto my old socks should they become stylish again. Then I'll have my brief moment of unity with high fashion.

Irony Defined by Pot Smuggling Jenny Craig Truck

Every once in awhile, you see a news article that stands head and shoulders above the rest. In a twist of irony, a Jenny Craig delivery truck driver was busted near Phoenix for carrying 1,400 pounds of marijuana along with its cargo of frozen diet foods. Last time I checked, marijuana and dieting were two concepts not typically associated with each other.

Can you imagine the Jenny Craig commerials that might inspire?

Bill Clinton: "I gained 50 lbs. on the Jenny Craig program, but I didn't inhale!"

Bill Parcells: "I love the new Jenny Craig Brownies. You can't eat just one!"

Chris Bermann: "There's nothing like macking on a pile of Jenny Craig while listening to Dark Side of the Moon on my I-Pod."

Queen Latifah: "I may be a size 24, but I feel good....reeeeeal....good!"

Valerie Bertinelli: "Eddie turned me on to Jenny Craig!"

Phylicia Rashad: " Now that I'm on Jenny Craig, I qualify for California tax credits for medical marijuana usage!"

Keith Richards: "Thanks to the Jenny Craig program, I've actually gained 30 lbs- I'm now up to 60! Thanks Jenny!

Add your Jenny Craig story here:

;-)

Cardinals Lose, Earth Avoids Destruction

Now that the Arizona Cardinals have lost Super Bowl 43, we can all breathe a sigh of relief. Had they won the game, it's certain that the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse would've been saddling up for a ride. Now, they're just sitting in a bar in Texas, drinking a cold Shiner Bock (best beer in the world if you've never tried it.)

Just a few other rambling Super Bowl thoughts I have I'd like to share with you:

• Larry Fitzgerald should be fitted for a cape. The man is just flat out awesome.
• Now that the Steelers have sole possession of most Super Bowl wins ever (6), the Dallas Crybabies, er, Cowboys are in 2nd place. Too bad, Jerry. Doesn't look like you'll be back any time soon.
• Superbowl ads were pretty weak. The Doritos ad with the snow globe/ crystal ball was funny, but most of the others were forgettable. Hey advertisers! It's your Super Bowl too! It's your chance to step up and reach out to half the planet. If you're going to shell out all that money for a 30 second spot, then man up! Especially you, Budweiser, er, or is that Stella?
• Stop with the Gatorade baths already. It was funny 25 years ago, but now it's really tired- like M.A.S.H. reruns...stop already!!
• When did Bruce Springsteen start using Grecian formula for men!
• Will Bill Bidwell start a fashion trend with the re-emergence of the bow tie?
• Can't wait for the Special Edition of Sports Illustrated featuring the Pittsburgh Steelers. You know the one, where you can buy the hardbound book replete with photos and scintillating interviews. I think they throw in a Ronco knife sharpener, a Popeil pocket fisherman, and some Mighty Putty with that...all for $19.99!
• Prediction for next year's Super Bowl: Cincinnati Bengals 22, Detroit Lions 21. Hey, after this year, anything's possible! I think the Four Horseman might saddle up for that one too!!

The Seventh Sign the Apocalypse is Upon Us

Plagues, famine, war, pestilence, revolution and earthquakes represent signposts on our way to the End of Days. And now I submit to you the Seventh Sign that the Apocalypse is upon us: The Arizona Cardinals will be competing in the NFC Championship game and are one win away from the Super Bowl!

Not only has the current edition of the Arizona Cardinals been derided as "the worst team to ever make the NFL playoffs," nobody gave them a snowball's chance in Hades to beat Atlanta and Carolina, yet here they stand on the precipice of History. If the Cards can capitalize on this 3-week window of opportunity to pour the salve of Championship ointment over the old wounds of perpetual losing and ineptitude, they will establish a new era of achievement, the old days will be relegated to the past, and the Chicago Cubs can take sole possession of "The Biggest Losers" nickname in sports. Sorry, Cubs fans!

Hey, if the Arizona Cardinals can get this far, anything's possible! With that in mind, I'm looking for additional signs of the Apocalypse:

• My 401(k) rebounds and makes it possible for me to retire before my nineties
• My kids pick up their dirty clothes without any pleading, hounding, cajoling, or threatening from me or their mother
• Viagra and Cialis commercials are banned from the airwaves
• Al Franken runs for President in 2012- and wins (just like he did in Minnesota)!
• Gov. Blugojevich shares a batchelor pad with Charlie Sheen and stars in his own reality show.
• Frank Caliendo (celebrity impersonator) and Katy Couric (journalist impersonator) have a torrid affair spawning a child that resembles John Madden.
• Gas drops below $1.00 a gallon.

OK, these signs might appear a bit far-fetched, but so was the idea of the Cardinals going to the Super Bowl. The odds were 200-1 against them at the beginning of the year. The only way they were going to a championship game of any kind was if they paid a scalper for tickets. Now look at them! "Under a Blood-Red Sky....."

Celebrating Christmas- The Great Crossroads

There's an old saying that goes like this, "with age comes wisdom." As I'm closing out my 49th year on Planet Earth, I can't say that I feel and wiser than I did thirty years ago, but what I can tell you is that I appreciate simple things much more than I did then. Take the Christmas card for example.

Every year, we get dozens of cards- some are simple, some are ornate, some are from companies reminding us how much our business (and money) are appreciated, some are from people I barely know. But all of these people have met us at some point or another at the Crossroads we call Life.

When I was a kid, I could scarcely contain my excitement as Christmas Day approached. I would sit under the tree gently shaking and examining everyone of my presents to try and guess the contents. I get the same kind of excitement now every afternoon when the mailman delivers Christmas cards. I always ask my wife, Andrea, "How many did we get today?" and who they are from. It's fun to read each card and remember the Ghosts of Christmas's past and how each of these card senders touched our lives. Some folks we still keep in touch with, others are like Haley's Comet only intersecting with us once a year at this time. But they are still in our Life's orbit as we are in theirs, and for that I'm grateful.

Two thousand years ago, God sent his own Christmas card in the form of His Son. This Crossroads, between God and Man, is the ultimate Christmas card, the Ultimate Gift. Though I may not be any wiser than I was as a young man, I'm wise enough to stop for a second to say, "Thank you" to the Man upstairs. My hope is that all of your Christmas Crossroads, whether divine or earthly, be filled with Love and Peace this Holiday Season.

Joe Pa Keeps on Truckin'

Did you see that Penn St. gave football coach Joe Paterno a three-year contract extension? Normally, that would be no big deal, but given the fact that Joe-Pa (as he is affectionately known by PSU fans) turns 82 this weekend, it's pretty amazing.

Terms weren't disclosed by the university but it's conjectured he'd be making at least $500,ooo annually. Most of his contemporaries, if they choose to work and are able, probably make about 1/100th of that amount and also get to say catchy things like "Welcome to Walmart" or "Want fries with that?"

Paterno must be incredibly adaptable and resilient. Think about the type of athlete he coached in 1950 vs now. Back in "the day" football players actually went to class, didn't have rap sheets as long as their arms, and didn't dictate to the coaching staff. I doubt I could've put up with some of the prima donnas Joe's had to deal with, especially in this era of media hype. The bottom line is he must truly love coaching, there's no other explanation for his longevity in the game.

I can't imagine working at age 82. Come to think of it, I can't imagine working at age 62 either! I suppose if you've been working at the same job at the same company like Joe-Pa has for the past 58 years (yes, kids he started at Penn State in 1950!) it becomes embedded in your DNA. Heck, he just had a hip replaced and he's still going for crying out loud! I guess I'll think twice before I call in sick at work.

When It Comes to Forgetfulness...Forget About It!

I angered my wife the other evening when I forgot some very basic tasks she asked me to do. Unfortunately for her, I was watching football at the time she made her request. It's not that I didn't have every intention of complying with her wishes, quite the contrary. I paid close attention to every word she said as she was getting ready to leave. However, I got caught up in the game and when she came home to find that I hadn't done what I was supposed to do, I felt a little like a quarterback who lines up under a guard instead of a center. I was embarrassed and a little shocked at my own forgetfulness. How could I be so stupid?

Well, it seems science has come to my rescue...sort of. A recent study at Stanford indicates that the less work the cerebral cortex has to do (the part of the brain that remembers stuff) the more it can focus on other tasks. Think of it like RAM in a computer. The fewer files and programs you have open, the more quickly and efficiently your PC works. It's the same with the brain.
By eliminating my wife's requests from my memory, my brain was actually becoming more efficient for what it considered the highest priority: football.

The problem is that even if you accept this premise, it doesn't necessarily mean your parole from the doghouse will be granted. In fact, one could argue the opposite case in support of my wife: a truly loving and considerate husband would've given her task requests highest priority and subjected football to the brain's censoring processes. And therein lies the age-old dilemma: wife vs football. If only science could figure that one out, I might not be sleeping on the couch....