Pretty soon Pres. Obama will be tasked with filling a Supreme Court position for retiring judge David Souter. Since Supreme Court judges don't have term limits, Obama's choice could have an impact on our country for many years to come.
Outgoing judge Souter is viewed by most as left leaning, so the chances are that whoever Obama chooses, the balance of the Court will remain roughly the same. That's if conventional wisdom holds. Some leading Democrats are calling on His Loftiness to choose someone outside the legal profession to fill the spot. Turncoat and political opportunist,... er patriot, Sen. Arlen Specter said, "It would be good to get people who know something besides wearing a black robe."
Okay, Arlen. How about someone wearing a bath robe? I guess that would be kind of fun- especially if the judge wore curlers and fuzzy pink slippers too. Senator Specter also suggested that women, Hispanics, and African-Americans need better representation on the court.
Translated: A judge who will help build and support the foundation of the Democratic party.
Here's the profile of the ideal judicial candidate: Unemployed, single, gay, black woman with six kids who used to be a Hispanic man named Pepe, before undergoing transgender surgery, and who is now living next to OctoMom in a SoCal trailer park. She drives a hybrid car festooned with PETA stickers, listens to Air America, and has a tattoo of Al Franken on her butt. In her previous life as a man named Pepe, she crossed the border at Tijuana (illegally of course) over 500 times. All of her six kids were born in the U.S. and are legal citizens with full rights and privileges courtesy of the American taxpayer/legal residents.
Now that's change we can believe in!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Everything's Bigger in Texas...
From early childhood on, we've all been told that "Everything's Bigger in Texas." To me that evokes images of men wearing 10-gallon hats and large belt buckles, wide-open spaces, and ranches the size of most European countries. Now comes a report that nine people living in the Austin, Texas area rang up nearly $3 million in emergency room costs from 2003-2008. What's big about that you may ask? Well, nine patients walked into county ERs a total of 2,678 times over that time period! Wow! That's BIG- even for Texas.
For you statisticians out there, that's about 50 trips to the ER per year, per person for each of the 6 years reported. Or if you prefer to think of it in these terms, about 1 visit to the ER per week. That's a record even Amy Winehouse or Lindsay Lohan would have a tough time beating.
Of the nine people, 8 were diagnosed as drug addicts and not alarmingly, 7 were also diagnosed as mentally ill,- 3 were homeless. Most of the complaints from these "patients" involved chest pains which is often the result of anxiety, according to local health care experts.
You have to wonder what level of care the truly critically sick or injured people in these ERs received, especially when you consider these 9 people are just the tip of the iceberg. Sadly, there are many people in the ER who are wasting precious few resources for non-emergency procedures. When I was at the ER last week (a ten-hour ordeal from hell) with my son who was diagnosed with possible appendicitis, I overheard one nurse comment to a mother who had brought in a child with a cough, "Oh, I remember you- you were in here yesterday, too."
I wish I knew the answer to resolve this huge strain being placed on the health care industry and on taxpayers. And with universal health-care looming on the horizon, it doesn't look to get better any time soon. Remember, The Alamo!
For you statisticians out there, that's about 50 trips to the ER per year, per person for each of the 6 years reported. Or if you prefer to think of it in these terms, about 1 visit to the ER per week. That's a record even Amy Winehouse or Lindsay Lohan would have a tough time beating.
Of the nine people, 8 were diagnosed as drug addicts and not alarmingly, 7 were also diagnosed as mentally ill,- 3 were homeless. Most of the complaints from these "patients" involved chest pains which is often the result of anxiety, according to local health care experts.
You have to wonder what level of care the truly critically sick or injured people in these ERs received, especially when you consider these 9 people are just the tip of the iceberg. Sadly, there are many people in the ER who are wasting precious few resources for non-emergency procedures. When I was at the ER last week (a ten-hour ordeal from hell) with my son who was diagnosed with possible appendicitis, I overheard one nurse comment to a mother who had brought in a child with a cough, "Oh, I remember you- you were in here yesterday, too."
I wish I knew the answer to resolve this huge strain being placed on the health care industry and on taxpayers. And with universal health-care looming on the horizon, it doesn't look to get better any time soon. Remember, The Alamo!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Standing on the Edge of Madness
Tomorrow begins the best season in all of sports- bar none. I'm talking of course about March Madness, the 64 team, single elimination tournament that determines the NCAA Men's basketball champion.
It's estimated that $3 billion is wagered annually in office pools around the country on this sacred two week event. I used to think $3 billion was a colossal sum of money until this whole "bailout" phenomenon took place. Now, between George W., and His Most High Eminence, Barrack Obama, $3 billion is relegated to mere chump change. If I win the $100, ooo prize in my on-line bracket pool, I promise to help pay down the national debt....Not!!
Despite our economic troubles, I'm not letting the moronic policies of our government screw up my good time. I'm going to enjoy every minute and revel in the glory of teams like Sienna, North Dakota State, and Binghamton. Never mind they have about as much chance of winning it all as I do winning American Idol, it's still fun- especially the 2nd round where highly seeded teams routinely lose to powerhouses with names who sound like distant cousins, i.e. S.F. Austin, Robert Morris, etc.
Wouldn't it be great if we could muster as much enthusiasm and passion for the governance of our country as we do picking the Final Four? And wouldn't it be nice if we could agree to play by the same set of rules??
Anyway, for what it's worth, I'm picking Memphis to beat Oklahoma in the Finals. Sorry, Mr. President, and sorry Zane. Hey, at least I didn't pick Duke to win it all!!
It's estimated that $3 billion is wagered annually in office pools around the country on this sacred two week event. I used to think $3 billion was a colossal sum of money until this whole "bailout" phenomenon took place. Now, between George W., and His Most High Eminence, Barrack Obama, $3 billion is relegated to mere chump change. If I win the $100, ooo prize in my on-line bracket pool, I promise to help pay down the national debt....Not!!
Despite our economic troubles, I'm not letting the moronic policies of our government screw up my good time. I'm going to enjoy every minute and revel in the glory of teams like Sienna, North Dakota State, and Binghamton. Never mind they have about as much chance of winning it all as I do winning American Idol, it's still fun- especially the 2nd round where highly seeded teams routinely lose to powerhouses with names who sound like distant cousins, i.e. S.F. Austin, Robert Morris, etc.
Wouldn't it be great if we could muster as much enthusiasm and passion for the governance of our country as we do picking the Final Four? And wouldn't it be nice if we could agree to play by the same set of rules??
Anyway, for what it's worth, I'm picking Memphis to beat Oklahoma in the Finals. Sorry, Mr. President, and sorry Zane. Hey, at least I didn't pick Duke to win it all!!
Saturday, February 28, 2009
I'm Defined by My Socks
Leave it to a teenager to remind you of how really uncool you are. My son recently observed me putting on my socks prior to going to the gym and commented that no one wears socks that go half way up the shin anymore. He told me that everyone (meaning anyone around the age of 13-15) wears shoe top socks- you know, the ones that nobody can see when you have them on.
I shunned his advice and went on my way to the gym. There, I discovered that my son was correct, most people no longer wear longer socks. I was totally oblivious to the shift in cool. Needless to say, I began feeling self-conscious and was sure everyone was laughing at me behind my back (more than usual, that is).
After leaving the gym, I rushed over to that Mecca of higher fashion- Walmart, and picked up 6 pair of the low cut socks. Now that I've been wearing them for a few weeks, I've noticed a new spring in my step, I walk with my head held high, and I have a renewed sense of self worth.
Of course, now that I, a 50 year old man, am wearing these "fashionable" socks, I'm sure they will become distinctly uncool in pretty short order. Cool is not defined by old guys with varicose veins, gray hair, and beer guts! For that reason, I'm hanging onto my old socks should they become stylish again. Then I'll have my brief moment of unity with high fashion.
I shunned his advice and went on my way to the gym. There, I discovered that my son was correct, most people no longer wear longer socks. I was totally oblivious to the shift in cool. Needless to say, I began feeling self-conscious and was sure everyone was laughing at me behind my back (more than usual, that is).
After leaving the gym, I rushed over to that Mecca of higher fashion- Walmart, and picked up 6 pair of the low cut socks. Now that I've been wearing them for a few weeks, I've noticed a new spring in my step, I walk with my head held high, and I have a renewed sense of self worth.
Of course, now that I, a 50 year old man, am wearing these "fashionable" socks, I'm sure they will become distinctly uncool in pretty short order. Cool is not defined by old guys with varicose veins, gray hair, and beer guts! For that reason, I'm hanging onto my old socks should they become stylish again. Then I'll have my brief moment of unity with high fashion.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Irony Defined by Pot Smuggling Jenny Craig Truck
Every once in awhile, you see a news article that stands head and shoulders above the rest. In a twist of irony, a Jenny Craig delivery truck driver was busted near Phoenix for carrying 1,400 pounds of marijuana along with its cargo of frozen diet foods. Last time I checked, marijuana and dieting were two concepts not typically associated with each other.
Can you imagine the Jenny Craig commerials that might inspire?
Bill Clinton: "I gained 50 lbs. on the Jenny Craig program, but I didn't inhale!"
Bill Parcells: "I love the new Jenny Craig Brownies. You can't eat just one!"
Chris Bermann: "There's nothing like macking on a pile of Jenny Craig while listening to Dark Side of the Moon on my I-Pod."
Queen Latifah: "I may be a size 24, but I feel good....reeeeeal....good!"
Valerie Bertinelli: "Eddie turned me on to Jenny Craig!"
Phylicia Rashad: " Now that I'm on Jenny Craig, I qualify for California tax credits for medical marijuana usage!"
Keith Richards: "Thanks to the Jenny Craig program, I've actually gained 30 lbs- I'm now up to 60! Thanks Jenny!
Add your Jenny Craig story here:
;-)
Can you imagine the Jenny Craig commerials that might inspire?
Bill Clinton: "I gained 50 lbs. on the Jenny Craig program, but I didn't inhale!"
Bill Parcells: "I love the new Jenny Craig Brownies. You can't eat just one!"
Chris Bermann: "There's nothing like macking on a pile of Jenny Craig while listening to Dark Side of the Moon on my I-Pod."
Queen Latifah: "I may be a size 24, but I feel good....reeeeeal....good!"
Valerie Bertinelli: "Eddie turned me on to Jenny Craig!"
Phylicia Rashad: " Now that I'm on Jenny Craig, I qualify for California tax credits for medical marijuana usage!"
Keith Richards: "Thanks to the Jenny Craig program, I've actually gained 30 lbs- I'm now up to 60! Thanks Jenny!
Add your Jenny Craig story here:
;-)
Monday, February 2, 2009
Cardinals Lose, Earth Avoids Destruction
Now that the Arizona Cardinals have lost Super Bowl 43, we can all breathe a sigh of relief. Had they won the game, it's certain that the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse would've been saddling up for a ride. Now, they're just sitting in a bar in Texas, drinking a cold Shiner Bock (best beer in the world if you've never tried it.)
Just a few other rambling Super Bowl thoughts I have I'd like to share with you:
Just a few other rambling Super Bowl thoughts I have I'd like to share with you:
- Larry Fitzgerald should be fitted for a cape. The man is just flat out awesome.
- Now that the Steelers have sole possession of most Super Bowl wins ever (6), the Dallas Crybabies, er, Cowboys are in 2nd place. Too bad, Jerry. Doesn't look like you'll be back any time soon.
- Superbowl ads were pretty weak. The Doritos ad with the snow globe/ crystal ball was funny, but most of the others were forgettable. Hey advertisers! It's your Super Bowl too! It's your chance to step up and reach out to half the planet. If you're going to shell out all that money for a 30 second spot, then man up! Especially you, Budweiser, er, or is that Stella?
- Stop with the Gatorade baths already. It was funny 25 years ago, but now it's really tired- like M.A.S.H. reruns...stop already!!
- When did Bruce Springsteen start using Grecian formula for men!
- Will Bill Bidwell start a fashion trend with the re-emergence of the bow tie?
- Can't wait for the Special Edition of Sports Illustrated featuring the Pittsburgh Steelers. You know the one, where you can buy the hardbound book replete with photos and scintillating interviews. I think they throw in a Ronco knife sharpener, a Popeil pocket fisherman, and some Mighty Putty with that...all for $19.99!
- Prediction for next year's Super Bowl: Cincinnati Bengals 22, Detroit Lions 21. Hey, after this year, anything's possible! I think the Four Horseman might saddle up for that one too!!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
The Seventh Sign the Apocalypse is Upon Us
Plagues, famine, war, pestilence, revolution and earthquakes represent signposts on our way to the End of Days. And now I submit to you the Seventh Sign that the Apocalypse is upon us: The Arizona Cardinals will be competing in the NFC Championship game and are one win away from the Super Bowl!
Not only has the current edition of the Arizona Cardinals been derided as "the worst team to ever make the NFL playoffs," nobody gave them a snowball's chance in Hades to beat Atlanta and Carolina, yet here they stand on the precipice of History. If the Cards can capitalize on this 3-week window of opportunity to pour the salve of Championship ointment over the old wounds of perpetual losing and ineptitude, they will establish a new era of achievement, the old days will be relegated to the past, and the Chicago Cubs can take sole possession of "The Biggest Losers" nickname in sports. Sorry, Cubs fans!
Hey, if the Arizona Cardinals can get this far, anything's possible! With that in mind, I'm looking for additional signs of the Apocalypse:
Not only has the current edition of the Arizona Cardinals been derided as "the worst team to ever make the NFL playoffs," nobody gave them a snowball's chance in Hades to beat Atlanta and Carolina, yet here they stand on the precipice of History. If the Cards can capitalize on this 3-week window of opportunity to pour the salve of Championship ointment over the old wounds of perpetual losing and ineptitude, they will establish a new era of achievement, the old days will be relegated to the past, and the Chicago Cubs can take sole possession of "The Biggest Losers" nickname in sports. Sorry, Cubs fans!
Hey, if the Arizona Cardinals can get this far, anything's possible! With that in mind, I'm looking for additional signs of the Apocalypse:
- My 401(k) rebounds and makes it possible for me to retire before my nineties
- My kids pick up their dirty clothes without any pleading, hounding, cajoling, or threatening from me or their mother
- Viagra and Cialis commercials are banned from the airwaves
- Al Franken runs for President in 2012- and wins (just like he did in Minnesota)!
- Gov. Blugojevich shares a batchelor pad with Charlie Sheen and stars in his own reality show.
- Frank Caliendo (celebrity impersonator) and Katy Couric (journalist impersonator) have a torrid affair spawning a child that resembles John Madden.
- Gas drops below $1.00 a gallon.
OK, these signs might appear a bit far-fetched, but so was the idea of the Cardinals going to the Super Bowl. The odds were 200-1 against them at the beginning of the year. The only way they were going to a championship game of any kind was if they paid a scalper for tickets. Now look at them! "Under a Blood-Red Sky....."
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