I'm Defined by My Socks

Leave it to a teenager to remind you of how really uncool you are. My son recently observed me putting on my socks prior to going to the gym and commented that no one wears socks that go half way up the shin anymore. He told me that everyone (meaning anyone around the age of 13-15) wears shoe top socks- you know, the ones that nobody can see when you have them on.

I shunned his advice and went on my way to the gym. There, I discovered that my son was correct, most people no longer wear longer socks. I was totally oblivious to the shift in cool. Needless to say, I began feeling self-conscious and was sure everyone was laughing at me behind my back (more than usual, that is).

After leaving the gym, I rushed over to that Mecca of higher fashion- Walmart, and picked up 6 pair of the low cut socks. Now that I've been wearing them for a few weeks, I've noticed a new spring in my step, I walk with my head held high, and I have a renewed sense of self worth.

Of course, now that I, a 50 year old man, am wearing these "fashionable" socks, I'm sure they will become distinctly uncool in pretty short order. Cool is not defined by old guys with varicose veins, gray hair, and beer guts! For that reason, I'm hanging onto my old socks should they become stylish again. Then I'll have my brief moment of unity with high fashion.

Irony Defined by Pot Smuggling Jenny Craig Truck

Every once in awhile, you see a news article that stands head and shoulders above the rest. In a twist of irony, a Jenny Craig delivery truck driver was busted near Phoenix for carrying 1,400 pounds of marijuana along with its cargo of frozen diet foods. Last time I checked, marijuana and dieting were two concepts not typically associated with each other.

Can you imagine the Jenny Craig commerials that might inspire?

Bill Clinton: "I gained 50 lbs. on the Jenny Craig program, but I didn't inhale!"

Bill Parcells: "I love the new Jenny Craig Brownies. You can't eat just one!"

Chris Bermann: "There's nothing like macking on a pile of Jenny Craig while listening to Dark Side of the Moon on my I-Pod."

Queen Latifah: "I may be a size 24, but I feel good....reeeeeal....good!"

Valerie Bertinelli: "Eddie turned me on to Jenny Craig!"

Phylicia Rashad: " Now that I'm on Jenny Craig, I qualify for California tax credits for medical marijuana usage!"

Keith Richards: "Thanks to the Jenny Craig program, I've actually gained 30 lbs- I'm now up to 60! Thanks Jenny!

Add your Jenny Craig story here:

;-)

Cardinals Lose, Earth Avoids Destruction

Now that the Arizona Cardinals have lost Super Bowl 43, we can all breathe a sigh of relief. Had they won the game, it's certain that the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse would've been saddling up for a ride. Now, they're just sitting in a bar in Texas, drinking a cold Shiner Bock (best beer in the world if you've never tried it.)

Just a few other rambling Super Bowl thoughts I have I'd like to share with you:

• Larry Fitzgerald should be fitted for a cape. The man is just flat out awesome.
• Now that the Steelers have sole possession of most Super Bowl wins ever (6), the Dallas Crybabies, er, Cowboys are in 2nd place. Too bad, Jerry. Doesn't look like you'll be back any time soon.
• Superbowl ads were pretty weak. The Doritos ad with the snow globe/ crystal ball was funny, but most of the others were forgettable. Hey advertisers! It's your Super Bowl too! It's your chance to step up and reach out to half the planet. If you're going to shell out all that money for a 30 second spot, then man up! Especially you, Budweiser, er, or is that Stella?
• Stop with the Gatorade baths already. It was funny 25 years ago, but now it's really tired- like M.A.S.H. reruns...stop already!!
• When did Bruce Springsteen start using Grecian formula for men!
• Will Bill Bidwell start a fashion trend with the re-emergence of the bow tie?
• Can't wait for the Special Edition of Sports Illustrated featuring the Pittsburgh Steelers. You know the one, where you can buy the hardbound book replete with photos and scintillating interviews. I think they throw in a Ronco knife sharpener, a Popeil pocket fisherman, and some Mighty Putty with that...all for $19.99!
• Prediction for next year's Super Bowl: Cincinnati Bengals 22, Detroit Lions 21. Hey, after this year, anything's possible! I think the Four Horseman might saddle up for that one too!!